“How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that is even more essential to living a Wholehearted life: loving ourselves.” (Brene Brown)
We are self-conscious creatures from birth. Loving ourselves should be the most natural thing in the world one would think. It is sort of expected. Yet, it poses a big problem for most of us. We worry about how we look, how we dress, whether others like us, whether we’re too fat or too thin, whether we fit in, and a host of other things. As a member of the female species, I think that this is truer for women than for men. We just can’t seem to accept and love ourselves for who we are. “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
What if all those people we think are looking at us and that we have to please aren’t paying much attention to us anyways. What if they are also preoccupied with the same things that we are worrying about. Do we need to be so preoccupied with looking like the people we see in magazines or the TV and movie stars we view? We need to put things in perspective and remind ourselves that those people are paid for the jobs that they do. They are paid to say what they say and to “look good” on the set. Comparing ourselves with “celebrities” or anyone else is a recipe for self-loathing. Let’s love ourselves instead. “The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I’m not going to let myself pull me down anymore.” ~ C. JoyBell C.
I am no stranger to people pleasing behaviours, concerns about what others think and say and body issues like being too fat or too thin. For most of my early life, I wanted to be like others who I thought had it all together. This is something that affects all of us. I have yet to meet a person who tells me they are happy with every aspect of their lives or have even used the words, “I love myself” about themselves. It’s so easy to forget the unique people that we all are with the potential for loving ourselves and our neighbour. “There is nothing noble about being superior to some other man. The true nobility is in being superior to your previous self.” ~Hindu Proverb
The well-known saying “Know Thyself” is familiar to most of us. This saying was attributed to Socrates or Plato and is at the entrance to the oracle’s shrine in Delphi. To know oneself or to be self-aware is essential for our personal development. Our feelings, beliefs, and emotions are part and parcel of our very existence. We need to know and understand how they impact our lives. Are we acting or reacting to events in the outside world? What are the outcomes of our behaviour and are they good or bad? E.g. If I’m bossy but am unaware of this behaviour in myself, I will most likely not have many friends.
Knowing ourselves enables us to make the necessary changes that will lead us to a better life. Many of us go through life unconscious of ourselves. “We have self-centered minds which get us into plenty of trouble. If we do not come to understand the error in the way we think, our self-awareness, which is our greatest blessing, is also our downfall.” ~ Joko Beck
While knowing and understanding ourselves is pivotal to our emotional and all-round growth and development, we need to love ourselves. This will bring us fulfillment. We need to put ourselves in the driver’s seat and steer our lives in the direction of greater self-love. So how do we learn to love ourselves? There are many different ways but these eight are some from my own life experience that I’m happy to share with you.
Practice good self-care. Give yourself time to cook and eat well, sleep the number of hours that is right for your age, exercise at least 3 times per week, and do something for your own relaxation every day. Whatever nice gesture you would make to a loved one or good friend, do the same for yourself. I buy flowers for myself because I love flowers. Sometimes I go for a manicure and pedicure. I treat myself to a concert or show that I like on occasion. It makes me feel good.
- Set limits and boundaries with yourself and others. It’s quite alright to say no. It’s not being selfish. It’s not necessary to accept every invitation you receive or to help everyone that you know. You have to prioritize and guard your time very carefully — and also your energy. It’s a way of loving yourself and caring for yourself. When I started doing this, many people were upset. You may come across the same thing.
- Know what is important to you. Make a list of the needs that you have. Some of the things on my list are the need for quiet time, need to be listened to, need to receive love and care from significant others, need to be able to rely and trust others. It hurts when these needs are unmet.
- Create some affirmations that are tailored just for you and say them every day. Some of mine are: I deserve to be healthy, happy, and peaceful. I can take good care of myself. I’m learning to forgive myself for my mistakes. I love myself exactly as I am.
- Practice forgiveness for yourself and others. We all make mistakes and many of us carry guilt and shame about things we have done or left undone. I say to myself: I forgive myself for not doing better. I forgive myself for not knowing better. I forgive myself for being weak. (I insert the name of the person I am forgiving in the place of “myself.”
- Follow your heart. Pay attention to your dreams. Whatever activity or hobby makes you happy is something you need to pay attention to. You deserve to be happy doing things that bring enjoyment and fulfillment to your life. I started blogging a few years ago and enjoy doing it. I started painting, doing crafts, and making jewelry a few years ago and enjoy the time spent doing these. I go to the Casino once or twice a month with a friend and enjoy the company, show, and food whenever I go there. I feel good about myself when I choose how I spend my time.
- Practice mindfulness. Live in the moment. The past is gone and the future hasn’t come. Enjoy whatever it is that you’re doing and be present with whoever you happen to be with. If you’re eating an apple or a slice of your favourite chocolate cake, savour the taste. If you’re having a cup of coffee or glass of wine, smell it and enjoy the scent. If you’re watching a beautiful sunset or a new shoot coming up in the springtime, enjoy Nature. I enjoy beautiful sunsets several times a week where I live and I feel they are one of the greatest pleasures of my present life. I wasn’t always like this.
- Be grateful. To wake up every day and be able to go about one’s daily activities is a blessing. To have friends and family is a blessing. To have sunshine and changing weather is a blessing. To have food to eat and housing is a blessing. Whatever it is that surrounds you and that you feel grateful for puts you in a different frame of mind. You see how fortunate you really are. A daily gratitude practice does wonders for your frame of mind and your mood. I have a friend who tells me that she shouts to herself several times a day: “I am alive. I am alive.” (She lives alone)
It is my hope that you find some of these suggestions useful as you journey to greater and greater self-love. It’s a journey that has to be taken step by step along the way. It’s hard work and takes time. There’s no magic wand that we can wave that will get us there. Enjoy the journey! Live the life you want to live.
Don’t rely on someone else for your happiness and self-worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can’t love and respect yourself — no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are — completely; the good and the bad — and make changes as YOU see fit — not because you think someone else wants you to be different. — Stacey Charter