My companion and friend departed this world yesterday. She was not a human – but a cat. Nothing in my life had ever prepared me for this kind of love or loss. I’m writing this as a tribute/memorial to her as much as to help myself to deal with my feelings around losing her.
When I was growing up, we always had guard dogs. They never came into our home and weren’t really pets in the true sense of the word. They kept intruders away and always barked whenever someone came to the gate. We lived in a tropical country so there was no need for them to stay inside.
When I decided to get a pet in my late fifties, it was a new experience for me. I decided on a cat as this would be easier for me given my age and the fact that walking a dog didn’t appeal to me that much. I had been kissed by a cousin’s cat and that sweetened me no end. That was how the search began and I found and adopted Cali when she was four years old. Her previous owners called her Cali because she was a Calico cat. I hadn’t a clue really about taking care of a pet but thought it would be easy.
She was beautiful and shy. When her previous owner dropped her off and left her, she was unaccustomed to us and her new surroundings. Likewise, we were not used to having a pet. It would be nice to say that it was smooth sailing in the beginning but it wasn’t. While it might have been love at first sight for me because of Cali’s beauty, I was to learn that it took a lot more for any kind of relationship to develop – never mind a loving, understanding one.
Like all other kinds of relationships, time, care, trust, understanding, and love have to be nurtured and developed. I’m happy to say over time this was exactly what took place. I found myself thinking about Cali when I was out and about to return home. I looked forward to receiving her greeting as soon as I arrived. She was so happy to see me.
Over time, I found myself talking to her as though she were my child and I often called her “Baby.” She became more and more attuned to me and I to her. We even seemed to develop a kind of ritual between us in which our habits and actions were in sync. I came to believe that Cali understood everything I said and when she would look through those beautiful grayish eyes at me, I saw love more often than I saw frustration or anger.
Cali didn’t warm easily to other people, other animals, or children. She was a sort of loner. I had been told this by her previous owner and friends of mine even told me that she may have been abused. Her previous owner had two little boys and they may have been rough with her but I, personally, don’t think she was intentionally abused by them. I have always felt in my mind that she came from a very good family.
I gave Cali all the love that I could and despite her tantrums and temper at times, we understood each other. I knew she was a very anxious cat and wasn’t reacting to people or animals because she wanted to hurt them. She was more afraid that they would hurt her. On a few occasions when we were having lots of people over, I put her away so she would be more comfortable away from all the confusion. I did this as well when some children were coming over as they always wanted to pet her and run behind her which scared her. I was a very “protective Mum.”
Cali was with me for eleven years and she taught me so much about love – the unconditional kind. She brought a gentleness and softness to my disposition over the years. I don’t know what the exact day or date is when we developed this “special” kind of relation that makes it so hard for me to lose her. Some would say, “she’s just an animal,” but she was more than just an animal to me.
I have lost close loved ones and have known the pangs of grief which can overwhelm one at the time of loss and throughout life. But I had never experienced having or loving an animal like I loved Cali and I believe she loved me. I have a feeling that if she could have stayed a while longer, she would have.
She had been sick last year but rallied through and I’m glad that we were able to have her for a few months more. This last illness was the one that came to take her though. I was supposed to pick her up on Friday morning at the vet’s. At 8:30 a.m. when the vet called and told me that Cali had just died, my heart sank. Although she is an animal, some sort of prayerful thoughts came to my mind such as: ” let her rest in peace.”
Cali had a distinct personality and I’m sure other pet owners feel that their own pets have distinct personalities as well. If there is a continuation of some sort for humans after death, perhaps it’s the same for animals. If this is the case, I do hope that Cali is thriving wherever she is. I will never forget her and I do hope she will never forget me.
Mama loves you Cal!
I would have done things differently, my forever friend.
I would have stayed right next to you deep into the night
but I thought I’d see you in the early morning light.And so I said “Good night” to you as I walked in through the door
never thinking of the time when I’d see you no more.
But if I had known that on that day our time was at the end
I would have done things so differently, my forever friend.
– Sally Evans (written for Shoo-Fly)