Normally we do not like to think about death. We would rather think about life. Why reflect on death? When you start preparing for death you soon realize that you must look into your life now… and come to face the truth of your self. Death is like a mirror in which the true meaning of life is reflected. ~ Sogyal Rinpoche
Over the last little while, I’ve had the opportunity to be with people who seem to be actively doing a different kind of work — preparing for death. This isn’t because I’m working in a home for the aged or in a hospital doing hospice work, or anything of this nature. These encounters are with people I know who are freely sharing their thoughts and feelings with me around what I call their “work.” They are talking about their lives now in relation to the time they will no longer be here. They are doing what I call “death work.”
They share when we are visiting together. It’s not morbid or scary in any way. It just surprises me that they feel comfortable enough with me to share some very deep feelings. I notice that they want to be able to exercise some kind of choice and control around events or happenings in their own lives at this time. They don’t want to lose everything all at once. “In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
It may surprise you to know that this preparation goes beyond wills, personal care, financial issues, and type of funeral, disposition of the body, and so forth. Those matters are all in place and loved ones have been made aware of those kinds of details. The conversations they want to have are about their own contributions in life (things already completed) and about those matters that they want to attend to in order to go peacefully when their time comes. Sometimes they are overcome with sadness and cry. They like to talk about their family members who they are going to miss and how much they mean to them. They want to be remembered for who they were and not what they had. “A meaningful life is not being rich, being popular, or being perfect. It’s about being real, being humble, being able to share ourselves and touch the lives of others.” ~ Unknown
Some people are very concerned with time and want to accomplish many things if they have the strength and the energy. In one instance, a person has said to me that she wants to go to visit her mother’s grave in another country. She didn’t go when her mother died but wants to go now. Such a journey would be very taxing for her as it would require over eleven hours of air travel. She might not survive the journey. I told her that I thought that she wasn’t ready to go at the time her Mum died but is ready now. “Life is short and the older you get, the more you feel it. Indeed, the shorter it is. People lose their capacity to walk, run, travel, think, and experience life. I realise how important it is to use the time I have.” ~ Viggo Mortensen
Those who are terminal and expected to go very quickly exude a kind of clarity and calmness. One friend who is terminal and hasn’t got the energy to go out wants to die in her own condo. The only medication she’s on are painkillers. All health personnel, caregivers, friends, and relatives go in to see her — all arranged by her family. She feels very lonely and loves to have visitors. She likes to share stories about her life, her children, and grandchildren. This story-telling is the way she gives meaning to her life and her story: “all sorrows can be borne if you put them in a story or tell a story about them.” ~ Isak Dine
Nobody wants to be a burden to their children or other family members. They prefer to have strangers they are paying do things for them rather than their nearest and dearest. They have a very high regard for the time and busy lives of their own loved ones. At least, this is what I’m hearing.
One of my friends told me that she doesn’t want her daughter to have to come and shop for her. She said she was going to ask the caregiver who comes in on Saturdays for three hours to buy some things for her at the supermarket. In the case of this individual whose days are numbered, it’s unlikely that her daughter feels her mother to be a burden. She’s probably grateful for whatever she is able to do for her and for every precious moment she can spend with her. “We are all visitors to this time, this place. We are just passing through. Our purpose here is to observe, to learn, to grow, to love… and then we return home.” ~ Australian Aboriginal Proverb
Throughout these conversations on what is a not-oft discussed topic usually, there is no sense at any time that the individuals are fearful of dying. The process of dying doesn’t seem to rattle them in any way. I’m not sure whether this is because they have come to terms with this or they haven’t thought about it. Perhaps, they have reached the stage of acceptance. “Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ~ Lao Tzu
Most of their fears and concerns are for others and have to do with their care at a time when they are unable to do for themselves. They do not exhibit selfish behaviour. Their thoughts and feelings are loving. There is no religious talk which surprises me. “There are four questions of value in life… What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love. [from Don Juan DeMarco (1994)] JOHNNY DEPP
The one precious attribute we have to offer each other in living and dying is LOVE.